What is a Toxic Relationship? – Knowing the signs and when to leave

The thing about a toxic relationship is any one of us can get sucked into one. The signs aren’t always straightforward and can start popping up after some time when you thought everything was going fine. 

In most people’s adulthood, they are likely to meet and build relationships of different types with people with toxic traits. I think most of us have some toxic characteristics in our personality. 

However, when you’re becoming close to people you should be a bit cautious as relationships involving certain types of people are more susceptible to a toxic relationship. 

Experts say that people with mental illnesses such as bipolar disorders, depression, etc are more likely to have toxic relationships due to their already existing sensitivity to negative emotions. 

How do you know if your relationship is toxic?

When you’re so close to someone, you are more willing to accept their shortcomings and imperfections. And that is perfectly normal. After all, all relationships are built on acceptance, trust, and willingness to make things work despite the challenges. 

However, you should also know how to identify toxic signs that are slowly damaging your relationship and can get out of control quickly if not dealt with on time. Below are 10 signs to look out for if you’re feeling your relationship seems to be heading in the wrong direction. 

1. You seem to be arguing a lot more lately

Disagreements and arguments are part of every relationship and can also be a sign that the relationship is important for both partners and you both refuse to let things pass if it isn’t right. 

But if your arguments have started to stem from minuscule things that can be solved peacefully, that’s a sign that there might be more going on. 

2. Getting irritated with each other too easily

If you live together and share a living space all the time, you may sometimes get irritated with how your partner does things. But most of those things should be fixable through open communication. 

Lately, if you feel like despite your efforts you seem to be rubbing each other the wrong way and the smallest things about your partner seem to irritate you, the root cause of it could be something else.   

3. You start feeling distant from your partner

Human beings have an amazing ability to adapt to things. When you care about something and someone, you develop it even more, to protect something that adds so much value to your life. 

You may have already been through so much toxicity in your relationship that you’ve developed coping mechanisms. Over time, this may also start creating both emotional and physical distance between you and your partner due to constant negative emotions related to your life with them. 

4. You no longer look forward to seeing each other

This is a major sign there are some serious issues in your relationship. Small toxic things happening frequently can do so much damage to your relationship over time. If you find yourself avoiding each other or not looking forward to seeing them, this is a sign not to ignore and needs to be addressed. 

5. You feel like you can’t talk to each other openly

When you’re arguing so much and there are so many negative emotions arising in your relationship, communication can be one of the first things to take a hit. If it has come to a point where open conversations are turning into judgment, heated arguments, and disrespect, it’s a sign that your relationship is already on the spectrum of a toxic relationship.  

6. You’re being judged constantly for everything  

Judgment is not fundamentally wrong even though we have tied so much negativity to the word. It’s just to form an opinion on something. And sometimes judgment is good and can save you from trouble. In a relationship between two people, there can be a judgment of each other’s actions. 

If it’s in the form of constructive criticism, it can be healthy for both partners. However, if the judgment is rooted in other issues in the relationship and is being tossed around whenever possible, it’s a sign of toxic behavior. 

7. You’ve had to become distant from family and friends

In toxic relationships, there are a lot of arguments involving other people and the time spent with them. This stems from insecurity and an element of controlling behavior. 

If you find yourself avoiding seeing your friends and family as it could lead to an argument with your partner, this is something you should not tolerate. 

8. Start blaming each other for problems instead of trying to solve them

It’s so much easier to blame the other person for the problems in your relationship rather than take responsibility for your part in the problem. I am not saying you need to own up to things that aren’t your fault. 

But if you’re seeing more and more of the blame game for all the problems in your relationship, this could mean things are turning toxic and you need to address it before it’s too late.

9. You’ve started seeing controlling behavior

Controlling behaviors usually start in very subtle ways. First, it may be just the occasional request not to go out with your friends and family. If it’s being asked of you without valid reasoning, you should always politely communicate with your partner why their opinion may not be true. 

In a lot of toxic relationships, things like that gradually become things like what you’re allowed to wear, whom you can hang out with or talk to, and overall control of your free will to live your best life within acceptable boundaries.

10. It’s becoming harder to trust your partner

Every relationship is based on trust and honesty. If your partner is constantly not staying true to their word such as what they will and will not do, and you know is lying to you, it can lead to trust issues. 

Once you can’t trust your partner, it’s very difficult to rebuild that trust and can lead to a very toxic relationship and sometimes depending on what the lie was about, irreversible. 

What to do in a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship can make you stuck, depressed, and helpless. It will take more out of you than give back. On one hand, is the person you love and saw spending your life with while on the other hand is your diminishing mental and physical health, sense of self and personality, and happiness. 

If you’re currently part of a relationship that you feel has become toxic, below are some ways to begin your journey to try and revive the joy of your relationship or make the difficult decision to end it and move on with your life no matter how hard it is. 

1. Have an honest conversation to address the issues

The first step is to try to talk to your partner and convince them to sit down to talk honestly about everything. If they agree, this is already a positive sign that they may be willing to work through the difficulty. 

During this meeting, be sure to address all concerns you have and everything that’s affecting you because of them. And be ready to hear their side of the story and listen without interrupting. 

2. Decide if both partners are willing to take responsibility for their part

After this conversation, it’s very important to mutually take responsibility for your part that may have caused pain and suffering to the other person and caused them to react in a certain way. 

Once you and your partner take responsibility, you can move on to the next step.

3. Decide if both partners want to work on the issues to reignite your love for each other

The next step is to make sure you’re both still on the same page when it comes to fighting to save your relationship. If either of you are no longer passionate enough or willing to put in the work, unfortunately, it may be better to let each other go rather than prolong the suffering and pain. 

If both partners are willing to work on the issues and make some changes, then it’s time to find a plan that works for both of you. 

4. Take some time off from each other if that’s what is needed to clear your mind and put things into perspective

This is not always necessary depending on how toxic things have become before you address the issues. 

However, experts agree that some time off each other can give both partners the space needed to see the value of each other and miss them enough to start appreciating what they were taking for granted.

You’re the best judge of your relationship, so come to an agreement between your partners and set some rules to make sure both of you are on the same page. Remember, you’re giving each other some space, and not breaking up. 

5. Talk again after an agreed period to offer solutions that work for both partners

Once you have taken the time, hopefully, you’re both in a much better place mentally and speaking with clarity. Come up with solutions for the things that were causing problems in your relationship and agree on boundaries moving forward. 

6. Take things slowly and do things together that you both used to enjoy

Once you’re back to talking and seeing each other as you would normally before all the problems, take the time to take things slowly and try to do things together and do all the nice little things you used to do for your partner at the beginning of the relationship. 

Go on dates, leave each other sweet messages, and put in effort to let your partner know that you love and value them. 

7. Take advice from an expert

Sometimes, no matter how much you try to find solutions and make things work it just doesn’t seem to work. If this is the case for you, all is still not lost. There are relationship experts who can look at the dynamics of your relationship from an unbiased point of view and offer solutions. 

Many couples have revived their relationship or marriage with the help of relationship experts and today there are many options to find an expert that is suitable for you. 

Can you recover a toxic relationship? 

This is the big question. Can a toxic relationship be fixed? The short answer is yes. It can be fixed and I speak from personal experience in my life. There was a time in my relationship with my wife when things turned toxic and weren’t working out. We took the time, talked things through, made some changes, and keep working on our relationship (now marriage) to this day.

Not every toxic relationship can be fixed and maybe it’s better not to be fixed sometimes. That being said, given that both partners are open to communicating, accept responsibility, and are ready to put in the work, a toxic relationship can be fixed and can even become stronger than it used to be.